26 – In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 – and do not give the devil a foothold.
29 – Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
30 – And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with Whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31 – Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
32 – Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.
As you know, for the past three weeks we’ve used our sermon time to focus on things that enable us to provide Christlike counsel to our friends. Our theme verse for this series has been Proverbs 27:9 which says, “…the pleasantness of one’s FRIENDS springs from his EARNEST COUNSEL.” The first week we studied how to provide earnest counsel for friends who wrestle with temptation. Last week we talked about how to advise them when they are going through the pain of divorce and this week, as we come the last message in this mini-sermon series, I want us to look at how to help our friends who struggle to control their ANGER.
Now the fact is-NO MATTER WHAT OUR AGE-all of us struggle when it comes to keeping our anger in check.
For example, have you ever seen an often-angelic-looking little TODDLER demonstrate why they call them “the terrible two’s?” I remember my first experience as a parent with this particular stage of childhood development. When Daniel was two and got mad because he didn’t get what he wanted, he’d get down on all fours and bang his head on the floor. The doctor told us not to worry about it-so we didn’t and he eventually grew out of it. He’s 21 now and hardly ever bangs his head on the floor, intentionally. But I’m sure all you parents out there could share similar stories of rugrat wrath.
And then-have you ever known a TEEN to lose their cool? I remember once a guy in our youth group blew his top at me because on the way home from a retreat I decided to stop at Mickey-D’s instead of Pizza Hut. He ranted and raged and stomped off. I couldn’t believe he was that angry over pepperoni! This week I read about another teen-a high school athlete who was headed for a career in professional baseball-until he slammed his fist into his locker so hard that he broke his hand ruining any chances of an athletic career-all because he was ticked that his girlfriend had just dumped him. And I must say, if his temper was that uncontrollable I think she did the right thing!
And then have any of you YOUNG MOMS ever lost it? Perhaps you have two or three preschoolers constantly under foot and a husband who is never home and sometimes it’s just too much for you to handle and you lose control and when you do you bang your pots and pans and scream at your kids for doing things that normal little kids do. In your right mind you’d never act this way but at times your fatigue is so great that you’re not in your right mind-you’re angry-or to use another word, you’re MAD and you show it.
And last but not least-I’m sure we would all agree that it can be truly frightening when GROWN MEN blow their tops. I mean, when we lose our temper, no one wants to find it! Not too many years ago a well-known professional basketball player-a supposedly mature, grown man, got so angry that he physically attacked his coach-TWICE. The attack cost him a multimillion-dollar contract and a year-long suspension from the NBA.
Well, the fact is, NO MATTER WHAT OUR AGE, we do all struggle from time to time when it comes to controlling this particular emotion. Our anger is often maddening because it has a way of disarming us and before we know it we are guilty of all manner of sinful thoughts and actions.
No wonder God’s Word tells us to be careful when it comes to anger because as Paul reminds us here in Ephesians, the devil often uses anger as a foothold to climb into our lives and wreak havoc.
And, it seems to me that he’s using this particular foothold more and more these days. I mean you can’t drive down the road without hearing horns blown by angry drivers. You can’t go to COSCO without listening to shoppers express their anger over the long lines. You can’t go to a soccer game without a parent or coach losing it in front of the kids. I mean, it’s easy to see why so many experts have labeled this, “the age of rage.”
A recent survey conducted by USA TODAY revealed that three-fourths of Americans believe that angry behavior has INCREASED in places such as airports and highways. And it has-flight attendants and pilots report a dramatic rise in violent behavior among passengers. Stats show that in 1997 there were 66 incidents of “air rage” reported; two years later there were 534 such incidents. Part of the problem, according to James Garbarion, a human development professor at Cornell University, is that there has been a major shift in our society’s ATTITUDE toward anger. He writes,
“There is a general breakdown of social conventions…of manners…of social controls. This gives a validation, a permission to be aggressive. Kids used to be guided by a social convention that said, ‘keep the lid on.’ today they are guided more in the direction of taking it off.”
This reminds me something I discovered in my study this week. In different books on this subject I came across evidence of a progression in our society’s attitude toward anger. For example in one book I read that Thomas Jefferson worked out a way to handle his anger and included it in his “Rules of Living.” Here’s his advice, “When angry count ten before you speak. If very angry count a hundred.” Good advice-but then 75 Years later, Mark Twain revised Jefferson’s wisdom and said, “When angry count four. When very angry, swear.” And then someone recently revised it once again to read, “When angry always count to ten before you say anything. It will give you more time to come up with the right insult.”
So, things HAVE CHANGED when it comes to anger-more and more it is accepted and even expected. These days everyone seems to think they have a right to express their wrath even over little things-in ways that we used to look at as being inappropriate. This is why it is so important to look to God’s Word for guidance. You see, society’s morals change but God’s Word doesn’t. It is the unvarying standard for faith and practice. And when our friends come to us for assistance in this area we should direct them to this “handbook for life” that God has provided. In fact this morning I want us to begin our training when it comes to providing counsel in this area by reviewing two basic biblical facts about to anger.
1. First, the Bible teaches that anger is NORMAL.
It’s part of our make-up-the way we are designed. You see, we are made in the image of God and God get’s angry. As a matter of fact of the 455 times in the Old Testament that the word “angry” is used, 375 of those times refer to the always-righteous anger of God. And-God’s anger is not limited to the Old Testament. The gospels record the fact that several times Jesus was angry. Remember the times our Lord was incensed at the religious hypocrisy of the Pharisees or the time He showed His righteous anger by driving the money changers out of the temple? Oswald Chambers writes, “For thirty years Jesus did nothing, then four three years He stormed every time He went down to Jerusalem. Josephus says He tore through the Temple courts like a madman.”
Well, anger is one aspect of God’s character and it’s derived from His holiness, justice, and love. You see, since God is holy, He hates sin. Since God is just, He hates injustice. Since God is love, He condemns any action that is unloving. God gets angry about these things. And, as beings made in His image, we have the ability to get angry as well. For example, this is why little children will often angrily say, “That’s not fair!” God’s “fingerprints” are on them-so they understand the concept of fairness and get upset when they perceive that they aren’t being treated that way.
Anger is a God-given emotion that is normal for us to feel-natural for us to want to express. In fact, there’s something inhuman about a person who never gets angry. Only robots and Vulcans on Star Trek never get mad. Think about it. We’d be quick to say, that a person who doesn’t show compassion-one who doesn’t love-well, we’d say there was something terribly wrong with them wouldn’t we? We’d say this because love and compassion are God-given emotions and we’re expected to express them. Well the same is true of anger. Anger is normal. And this leads to the second thing that God’s Word teaches about this emotion.
2. The Bible infers that anger is not necessarily BAD.
In fact right here in Ephesians 4:26 God commands us to, “BE ANGRY-yet do not sin.” Now, nowhere in the Bible will you find a command to “Be lustful but do not sin.” or “Be greedy but sin not.” No-because lust and greed are wrong PERIOD. But not so with anger. In fact, if we learn to control it, anger can motivate us to do very GOOD things. I mean it’s possible to be GOOD and angry. It was GOOD anger that motivated Lee Iacocca to fix what was wrong with Chrysler back in the ’80’s. After his success with that corporation Iacocca wrote,
“Wonderful things can happen when Americans get mad. I think some well-directed anger can cure most of what’s wrong in America today.”
And I would agree. In fact, history gives us numerous other examples of the positive results of GOOD anger. For example: It was good anger that led Candy Lightner to found MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) after a drunken driver plowed his vehicle into her 13-year-old daughter and a Californian judge gave the repeat offender a light sentence. That organization has saved countless lives. It was good anger that led people in England and then in America to end slavery and work to right the continued wrongs committed due to racial prejudice. It was good anger that motivated Martin Luther to start the Great Reformation. Ironically, the world would be a sadder place without GOOD anger…selfless anger…anger that is motivated by wrongs committed against other people. Don’t get me wrong. As we are all well-aware, it is very easy for ANGER to lead us to sin. But the fact is it doesn’t have to. It can motivate us to do a lot of good.
Sermon:
Okay…how can we learn to “temper” our response to this normal emotion? What do we need to know to counsel our friends such that they learn to be GOOD and angry?
This morning I want to suggest five things.
1. First, we should advise them to stay away from ANGRY people.
I mean our closest friends should not be people who can’t control their rage. You see, we tend to become like the people we hang around. If we spend time with a rebel, we will become rebellious. If we hang around negative people, we become negative. And when we hang around angry people-guess what we become like? In his autobiography, Number 1, the late baseball manager, Billy Martin described a hunting trip he once took with Mickey Mantle. Mantle had a friend who allowed him to hunt on his ranch and when they arrived at the ranch, Mickey told Billy to wait in the car while he checked in with his friend. Mantle’s friend, as always, gave Mickey permission to hunt, but asked Mantle to do him a favor. He had a pet mule in the barn that was going blind and he didn’t have the heart to put him out of his misery. So he asked, “Would you shoot the mule for me?” Mantle agreed. Well when Mickey came back to the car, he pretended to be angry. He slammed the door shut and Martin asked, “What’s wrong, Mickey?” Continuing his faux-anger Mantle growled, “He said we couldn’t hunt on his land. I’m so mad at that guy that I’m going out to his barn and shoot one of his mules!” Then Mantle put the pedal to the metal and drove to the barn like a maniac. The horrified Martin shouted, “We can’t do that!” “Just watch me!” Mantle replied. When they arrived at the barn, Mantle jumped from the car with his rifle, ran inside, and shot the mule. However, as he was leaving, Mickey heard two more shots and ran back to the car. He saw that Martin had taken out his rifle as well. “What are you doing Martin?” He yelled. Billy hollered back, his face flushed with anger, “We’ll show that son of a gun! I just killed two of his cows!”
Well, the fact is anger can be highly contagious and for this reason wise King Solomon strongly urges us not to date, marry, befriend, or go into business with someone who has difficulty controlling his temper. In Proverbs 22:24-25 he warns, “Do not associate with a man given to anger or go with a hot-tempered man, lest you learn his ways, and find a snare for yourself.”
And then a second bit of Biblical guidance we can give to our friends is this…
2. When we first become angry we should call an EMOTIONAL time out.
You see, most of the time our anger leads us to cross the line into sin in that first emotionally-heated response-when we fly off the handle and SAY things or DO things we shouldn’t. And, as I’m sure you know, flying OFF the handle is easy but flying BACK ON the handle can be a tricky maneuver. I mean so many times our initial unbridled anger causes us to say things that we can’t take back or do things that we can’t undo. So, whenever we first feel our blood beginning to boil, it’s wise to step back for a few minutes and think-to delay our reaction long enough for us to calm down and evaluate what’s going on. I mean, follow Jefferson’s advice and count to ten-or a hundred-or however long it takes you to cool down enough to think clearly.
The fact is sometimes the only way to prevent an explosion of sin-filled rage is to physically remove ourselves from the “detonator”-the source of our frustration for a few moments. If we give ourselves a time out like this-if we step away for a bit or ask the person if we can call back later, well, we will be less likely to say something we will regret.
How many times have you been right about something but because you foolishly lost control of your anger in those first minutes-you ended up looking wrong? Isn’t that frustrating!?
This is why Solomon says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” (Proverbs 29:11) and, “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29)
And this leads to the third bit of guidance we can give our friends.
3. During this time out, we need to CLARIFY the issue.
I mean the purpose of an “emotional time out” is not to AVOID our anger but to give ourselves the time and space necessary to ANALYZE the situation. You see, many times we are angry over things because we don’t know the facts.
I was angry at my daughters the other night because I went to pick them up from a basketball game and they weren’t there in the parking lot when I drove up. I sat there for a half our fuming. I finally drove home and the moment I walked through the door my cell phone rang and they said, “Dad, can you come get us?” I told them where I had just come from-using enough volume to make my cell phone unnecessary-but I then found out that I wasn’t supposed to go to the school until they called. I had the facts surrounding my picking them up all confused. It was my fault-not theirs. Well, lot’s of times we get angry over things because we don’t know the facts and our “time out” can allow us to get them.
Another thing I do in my time out is look within myself-I use this time for some honest self-examination to try and find out exactly why I am so ticked. In fact, I have come to think of my own anger as a God-given warning light to remind me that something inside is wrong so I pull aside for a while to try to cool down and understand what it is.
In verse 26 when Paul says, “Be angry but sin not,” he is saying in essence, “Watch out…you had better find out what lies behind your anger before it leads you to sin.” So we back off from the source of the conflict to give us time to not only calm down but prayerfully figure out what it is that has made us mad in the first place. This helps keep us from sin. You see anger is actually a secondary emotion in that it is brought on by other things.
One example of “another thing” is hurt. I mean, physical pain can bring on anger. Think about it. How many times has the volume level of your voice increased and the quality of your English decreased…when you stubbed your little toe? I heard someone say once that the reason God gave us baby toes was to find blunt objects in the dark and they do seem to be very good at that don’t they! Well, when we are hurt PHYSICALLY-we often get MAD…..and EMOTIONAL suffering can also bring on anger. When we feel rejected or ridiculed or put down by someone else-we feel pain in the core of our being and this makes us angry. When this happens we should think of this as a “warning light” going off…..reminding us that the potential for sin is very close!
Another root cause of anger is frustration. Things don’t go our way in life. Promotions are denied or our kids don’t do what we tell them to do and we feel helpless, frustrated, and-ANGRY! You know, if you are a perfectionist you are regularly subject to anger. I mean, it’s going to happen because things aren’t perfect in this sinful world and so you are almost constantly frustrated…and ANGRY!
And then a third thing that can trigger anger is fear.
Do you remember when Jesus and His disciples were caught in a terrible storm on the Sea of Galilee? As the disciples fought for their lives to keep the boat afloat, Jesus was sleeping on a cushion in the back of the boat. This upset our Lord’s first followers. Mark 4:38 tells us that Jesus’ disciples were terrified and woke Him up with angry voices demanding, “Teacher, don’t You care if we drown?” Do you remember how Jesus responded? Did He inquire, “Why are you so angry?” No-Jesus asked, “Why are you so afraid?” Jesus knew that their angry response was just a “warning light” -indicating their fear. And, you know, the root cause behind a lot of anger is fear. We’re grumpy as we’re attempting to pay the bills. Why? Because we’re afraid we may not have enough to make ends meet. We ream out our teenage son because he gets the car home fifteen minutes late. Our anger is cause by our fear that he was in an accident. When we find out he is not dead, we feel like killing him! We angrily resent our bosses because we are afraid that his or her arbitrary decision could eliminate our jobs.
So when the warning light of anger goes off in our soul we must stop and ask ourselves, “What is the real issue here? What is this anger really about?” Is it hurt….frustration….fear…fatigue? Are you angry about something that happened earlier in your day? Find out because whatever is behind the anger is what you need God’s help to deal with.
Then, once we have clarified the issue, we are ready to move on to the next step…
4. …and DEAL with the problem.
This is important to note because many people tend to suppress their anger or put off dealing with it. They bottle anger up inside and the problem with this is the fact that bottled up anger ALWAYS leaks and when it does it poisons our bodies our minds and our relationships. Anger that is internalized can be just as destructive as anger that is vented. I mean, burying your anger is a lot like the contemporary environmental problem of burying toxic waste. When the canisters of poison are buried underground just outside the city limits, everyone thinks the problem is gone but later people start getting sick as the poison leaks into the ground water.
Well, bottled up-buried anger-does the same thing. It poisons our bodies in the form of headaches, stomach problems sleep disorders and a host of other physical symptoms. It poisons our minds in the form of distorted thinking, irrationality, loss of self-esteem, confusion, cynicism, hopelessness, and despair. In fact, Dr. Paul Meier, co-founder of the MINRITH MEIER NEW LIFE CLINICS says that anger is probably responsible for 95% of psychological depressions.
People are depressed because of the anger that is bottled up inside of them. The fact is bottled up anger-anger that we never deal with ALWAYS eventually manifests itself in some way. So we need to take the time to deal with it-after we analyze it and find out the problem we need to take the time to resolve it.
This is the principle Paul is getting at here in Ephesians, when he tells us not to let the sun go down on our wrath. He’s saying we need to deal with the problem. There’s an old Latin proverb that goes like his, “He who goes to bed angry has the devil for a bedfellow.” I would agree-satan often uses our subconscious thoughts while we sleep to weaken us spiritually and make us more susceptible to his way of thinking. The longer we suppress our anger, the more easily it is for satan to use it to lead us to sin. Solomon warns, “For the churning of milk produces butter, and pressing the nose brings forth blood, so the CHURNING OF ANGER produces strife.” (Proverbs 30:33) Simply trying to bury our anger without dealing with it constructively leads to the kind of “internal churning” that Solomon describes and the sinful strife that comes with it. So, don’t put off dealing with the source of your anger. Go to the person you’re angry with and in a Christlike manner talk about the issue until it is resolved and peace is restored.
By they way, I make it a practice to never deal with my anger via e-mail. I’ve found that this tactic is like adding gas to a fire. I read his or her criticism and get angrier and fire off a response. He or she reads it and gets even angrier and burns the internet with his or her even angrier response. You know what I mean. E-mail only escalates the problem which makes sense because this tactic of dealing with a potentially divisive issue is not Biblical. Remember? In Matthew 18, Jesus told us to go TO THE PERSON and talk about the problem face to face. This is the clearest form of communication and it makes it much easier to resolve any issue.
But the point here is that we need to DEAL with the issue soon before our anger becomes a settled disposition. You see, when we don’t resolve our anger, we become more than angry-we become ANGRY people. And this leads to the final bit of Biblical advice we can and should give our angry friends.
5. They need to understand that often the best way to deal with our anger is to learn to FORGIVE.
Think about it. VENTING IT-EXPRESSING IT doesn’t work. It only increases our rage. SUPPRESSING it isn’t effective either. As I just said, it always comes out in some way. So what DO we do with our anger? Well…often the best way to deal with anger is to REPLACE IT with Christlike qualities. Look at Ephesians 4:31 where Paul says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” So Paul says, “Don’t choose it. Get rid of anger.” And then what does he say we are to replace it with? Look at verse 32. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, FORGIVING each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” So Paul is encouraging us to replace our anger with Christlike qualities.
As many of you know, our own Cathie Burke has served as a missionary in Kenya for several years. Many of us joined her in her work there in 2002 and we hope to go back this year. Well, Cathie has seen first hand the results of the racial fighting in Rwanda between the Tutsi and Hutu tribes. Years ago she met Yvonne MOSS-SO-SAHN-GO-HAY-a devout Christian who learned to apply this principle in dealing with the anger in her own life. Her husband, Fidel, was the general secretary for the YMCA in Rwanda. When the fighting broke out there years ago, he and Yvonne could not understand the anger that could prompt so many horrible killings. People were being massacred all around them in their predominantly Tutsi neighborhood as the Hutus brutally killed any Tutsi they could find. Yvonne’s husband-himself a Hutu-took it on himself to rescue any Tutsi who needed his help. He and Yvonne opened their home to wounded Tutsi’s. At one time they had 16 injured people living with them whom they were nursing back to health. Once Yvonne’s husband pulled one man-barely alive from multiple machete’ wounds-from a pit, an open grave filled with corpses. Soon word spread to Hutu terrorists that Yvonne’s husband was doing this and a radio broadcast went out urging anyone who saw him to kill him. A big reward was offered. When this happened Yvonne’s husband told her to gather their four children and leave the country so that their lives would not be jeopardized. Not long after they left, Yvonne received word that her husband had indeed been murdered for his actions in helping the “enemy.”
Cathie relates that Yvonne is one of the most Christlike people she has ever met. She is someone who exudes grace and love. Yvonne has not told her children how their father died. She has chosen not to tell them about Hutu or Tutsi issues which would only encourage tribalism. She said, “My husband has left our children a rich heritage by dying for doing what was right.
I want to pass on that rich heritage to them and help them see people as God sees people and as their father saw people-as human beings created in His image.” This week Cathie told me that Yvonne has returned to Rwanda through the ministry of AMANI YA JUU several times to minister to the very people who murdered her husband. Now, Yvonne could have responded to her husband’s murder with malice, bitterness, or rage. She could have instilled those feelings in her children and many of us would have thought her justified in doing so. But she chose to follow the guidance in today’s text and rid herself of those things and then to replace them with Christlike qualities of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. You see you don’t have to be angry and sin. You can choose to respond by choosing to replace your anger with something that will edify. But the truth is that, like Yvonne, we cannot make this choice on our own strength. We can only forgive as Christ forgives…we can only be as compassionate and kind as Jesus if we have Jesus living in us-empowering us to do so. As Paul said… “It is Christ IN YOU…the hope of glory.”
Invitation:
This morning many of us may need to prayerfully confess, “Lord, I need your power to rid myself of this foothold that I’ve given the devil into my life. Help me to rid myself of sinful anger.” Some of us may need to ask God’s forgiveness for not imitating Him clearly to those around us due to our selfish anger. Or you may be here this morning and you feel that you are losing in your battle with anger because you don’t have access to this power source-you don’t know Jesus personally. Well then today is the day to claim it, to ask Jesus to forgive you of your sin and to come into your heart and life. As we sing, will you come forward and share your decision with me?