Psalm 8:3 – When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place,
4 – What is MAN that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him?
One of the most POPULAR types of movies made these days is the SEQUEL. It’s also one of the most PROFITABLE because in many cases studios can use the same costumes and special effects. Plus, they don’t have to pay writers as much because they build on the same basic plot line—and in most cases they even use the same actors. Think of all the sequels out there! There were three Indiana Jones sequels. Even I have lost count of how many Star Trek sequels there have been. There have been three Spiderman movies and two Iron Man movies. There’s Honey I Shrunk the Kids, followed by Honey I Blew Up the Kids, followed by Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. The Die Hard story line won’t die because there are four sequels and a fifth on the way. I’ve forgotten how many Rocky sequels they have made. I think he’ll probably do one soon in which Rocky is a nursing home resident fighting some octogenarian for the title. The list of this kind of film is endless because, as I said, sequels are big business in Hollywood!
I bring this up because today’s SERMON is a sequel of sorts…same actor—me (actually I’m playing myself)….same basic “pastoral costume”…same level of “power point special effects”—….and the same basic plot. And, if you are a guest this morning, let me explain what I’m talking about. Last week, I preached a sermon entitled, “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women.” I used information gleaned from surveys conducted here at Redland in which I asked wives, “What do you wish your husbands knew about you?” In the same survey we asked husbands the “flip side” of that question, “What do YOU wish your wives knew about you?” Today we’re dealing with that second question so this is indeed the “sequel”…the “Part 2” to the first sermon on wives and husbands understanding each other.
As I said last week—men and women ARE indeed different. Some of the differences have nothing to do with gender—others do. But the fact is, God intentionally made men and women different both inside and out…and the life-time adventure of discovering your spouse’s unique qualities and characteristics can bring a great deal of joy to marriage.
As I get into this sequel, it’s important for me to say that if we were to list our differences side by side, one list would not be right and the other wrong. No—these differences are complimentary. They are part of God’s plan and we can see that in the fact that they bring balance and depth and exhilaration to any marriage relationship. But, let’s be honest. While it is EXCITING to try and understand each other, it can also be FRUSTRATING at times. I think many women have frequently asked the question found in verse four of today’s text: “What IS Man?”
And the fruit of their frustration is often HUMOR—at men’s expense. I read this week that if women were in charge of the world, all men would be required to attend the following seminars:
- How to NOT Act Younger Than Your Children
- PMS – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
- Parenting—It Doesn’t End with Conception
- Garbage—Getting It To The Curb
- The Remote Control—Overcoming Your Dependence
- The Toilet Seat: What Goes Up Should Come Down
And guys we have to admit that sometimes we DESERVE this kind of criticism. I heard of a 911 operator in Joliet, Illinois who received a frantic telephone call. A man was shouting on the phone, “My wife is trying to have a baby and the contractions are two minutes apart!” The 911 operator responded, “Is this her first child?” And the man responded, “NO, you idiot, this is her husband!”
Now—as I said last week, it is important for husbands and wives to commit to understand their differences—because we are COMMANDED to do so in God’s Word. 1st Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way.” I also told you that another reason to deal with this is because the secret of INTIMACY in marriage is found in understanding each other’s unique needs and committing to meet them. When we selfishly don’t care about each other’s needs, marriage is a painful thing instead of the incredible blessing God intended.
Okay—let’s begin as we did last week by reminding ourselves of some of the GENERAL DIFFERENCES between men and women.
(A) First of all, men tend to be more VISUALLY-ORIENTED than women—who tend to be more AUDITORY.
I remember hearing one pastor and his wife publicize a seminar at a Fall Festival of Marriage on the subject of sex in marriage and they advertised their class by saying, “If you come to our seminar, we will show you our primary sexual organs.” When hundreds of husbands and wives showed up, the pastor pointed to his EYES and said, “Here are my primary sexual organs”
and his wife pointed at her EARS and said, “Here are mine!”
(B) Another thing—men are usually focused on ONE THING AT A TIME while women can be MULTI-FOCUSED.
This is why our wives expect us to be able to watch TV and engage in meaningful conversation at the same time! They can do it so they expect us to be able to do so as well.
(C) And then….here’s another difference—Men tend to seem to CARE LESS about RELATIONSHPS than women.
This showed up in a couple responses to this survey: When asked, “What do you wish your wives knew about you?” one Redland husband wrote, “She already knows too much.” Another said,, “If I want her to know anything about me, I’ll tell her.” I think—I HOPE—these men were using humor to say, “Relationships are hard for us to deal with. Let’s just leave things be.” And speaking as a man, I can say that it IS hard to reveal one’s true self. It’s risky to let someone inside so they see the real you. Who knows? If they see the REAL you…hey might think less of you!
And then, here are some other unique characteristics of men. According to an article in MEN’S HEALTH magazine the typical man….
- …will produce about 25 feet of hair in his lifetime but one in five will go bald in their 20’s. This is especially true of highly intelligent men. Just kidding about that last part.
- The typical man retains about 60 percent of his body weight in water and will produce up to a half gallon of sweat daily.
- Even though man is not faster than any animal on earth, he can outrun any other species for long distances.
- The typical man consumes 2,400 calories per day and his body is so efficient that if he ran on gasoline, he would get 900 miles per gallon.
- The typical male is married and would marry his spouse again.
- He cries about once a month—approximately one fourth as often as a woman—and he usually tries to hide it.
- The typical man eats his corn on the cob in CIRCLES rather than straight across—check that one out next time you serve that entre’!
In his book, Understanding the Man in Your Life, H. Norman Wright adds, “Men snore more…they fight more…they change their minds more often than women do…their blood is redder…their daylight vision is superior…they have thicker skins and longer vocal chords. Their metabolic rate is higher…more of them are left-handed…they feel pain less than women…..They age earlier but wrinkle later….their immunity against disease is weaker…they talk about themselves less, but worry about themselves more.” Dr. James Dobson says there is strong evidence indicating that even the “seat” of emotions in a man’s brain is “wired” differently than in a woman’s.
So—men are indeed different than women! And I think that on the whole men WANT their wives to at least realize there is a difference. One Redlander wrote that he wished his wife, “…would not just know me but better understand me.” On his survey another said, “I wish my wife knew that all men are not stupid.” These men are wanting the right things because misunderstanding each other’s unique needs causes so many problems when our marriages begin.
What usually happens is that a husband, knowing HIS deepest needs, figures his wife has those same needs. So he enthusiastically goes at it—trying to meet the deepest needs he thinks she has.
The wife knows HER deepest needs and she figures her husband must have the same needs and so with all her might she tries to meet the her needs in him. This only leads to frustration. They accuse each other of being selfish…and say things like, “You won’t meet MY needs! You won’t do what I need! You won’t take care of ME!” But the problem is usually not so much SELFISHNESS as it is IGNORANCE. We don’t really understand each other.
One goal in presenting these two messages is to begin to build bridges of understanding between husbands and wives. Last week we hopefully built a one-lane bridge leading from husbands to wives and this week I hope to double it’s size by adding a lane going the other way—from wives to husbands. So…what DO husbands wish their wives knew about men? Well, first off I think we would want to dispel the myth that says that a man’s only needs are PHYSICAL. This misconception has led us to say things like, “the way to a man’s heart is through his STOMACH.” I believe that husbands would say that this philosophy expresses a very shallow opinion of a man, because deep down in side we have the same types of needs as our wives. Last week I said that women have emotional, relational, and spiritual needs and I think husbands would have to say, “We do too!” —but in a different—male-oriented way. Let me explain.
(1) Wives….you may find it hard to believe but just like you, we have…EMOTIONAL needs.
Studies show that women tend to be more emotionally open than men….and I think women ARE more COMFORTABLE with their emotions. But REAL men do have REAL emotions. It is just that it’s harder for most men to express them. You see, women tend to see FEELINGS and BEHAVIOR as the same. They ACT on their FEELINGS. For example, if a woman is angry, she behaves in that way. If she is elated, it’s expressed in her behavior. Usually a woman’s BEHAVIOR is an open window to her EMOTIONS. But most men are not that way. No—they tend to HIDE their emotions. Men tend to embrace the philosophy that says that real men are MEN OF STEEL—always in control of their emotions. Hence the popularity of statements like, “REAL MEN don’t cry…” …or “How many REAL MEN does it take to change a light bulb?” “Zero—because REAL MEN aren’t afraid of the dark!”
For Better or Worse is one of my favorite cartoon strips in the Sunday funnies. Several years ago it featured a strip about the teenage son, Michael, and his date. They were walking along the beach….looking at a beautiful sunset. Let’s read through it together. The young man thinks “What an extraordinary evening…the sunset is brilliant…the sand is warm…nothing could be more perfect.” …and I am walking with the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m so in love with Deanna! I’m intoxicated! Just holding her hand is magic…It’s as if this night was made for us! I’ll never forget it as long as I live.” Understand. That’s what he thought but as you can see, he turned to his girl and said, “I’m hungry. Want to go grab a burger?” And in great feminine frustration she replied, “Oh Michael, you’re so Unromantic!!!” Well, Michael wasn’t unromantic. The sunset caused a great emotional, romantic response in this young man but he just didn’t know how to express it…communicate it. I think this cartoon underscores the truth that men are very emotional. We are deeply moved by music and beauty! WIVES, just like you, we have a deep need both to love and feel loved. In fact, I think I speak for all my fellow husbands when I say to you wives that the love that is most precious to us—other than God’s love—is your love. We can relate to King Solomon who wrote to his wife in his Song of Songs, chapter 1, verse 1, and said “…your love is more delightful than wine.” One Redland husband wrote, “I wish she knew how appreciative I am that she makes a point of saying she loves me every single day.” We men may not admit it—except anonymously on church surveys—because it is so hard for us to do so without tripping over our own feet—but we are emotional beings. Another Redland husband wrote on his survey and said,“I wish my wife knew how much I love her and appreciate her.”
The love of our wives is very important to us! In fact your love for us is a power source upon which we draw every day. A few years ago in an issue of HOMELIFE magazine there was a story about Dr. Beck Weathers, a survivor of an ill-fated Mount Everest ascent in 1996. As a result of his ordeal on the world’s tallest mountain, Beck’s nose had to be reconstructed and a metal prosthesis took the place of one of his hands. His other hand is now weblike—the lasting results of a frostbitten nightmare on that relentless, whirling mountain of ice. Several of Beck’s friends died in that climb. But Beck says the thing that kept him going—the thing that made him get up when everyone else had left believing he was dead—was the clear and sweet and poignant memory of his wife. He desperately wanted to hold her and his children in his arms again. That emotional need and the hope of it’s fulfillment is literally all that kept him alive.
In his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, Victor Frankl shared the account of his time in a concentration camp during World War II. He says that one particularly chilling night he and the other exhausted prisoners were forced to walk through snow to work the frozen ground with pickaxes until morning. Though few words were spoken, one of the emaciated men whispered, “If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don’t know what’s happening to us.” Silence followed the man’s remark, but Frankl writes, “…each of us was thinking of his wife….I looked at the sky where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife’s image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise. In that moment I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world may still know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved…nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thoughts, and the image.” Tragically, along with six million other loved ones, Frankl’s young wife died under the Nazi’s cruel regime. But Frankl broke the odds and lived (only 1 of 28 prisoners survived those death camps). He survived to share his insights about the things that give life meaning even when all human dignities and basic comforts have been stripped away. Next to an abiding faith in God, Frankl says the love of their wives gave men strength to rise from their crowded cots and face another pain-filled day.
I share these two stories to illustrate the fact that, contrary to popular opinion, men do have emotional needs. They need to feel loved by their wives if they are to go out and “slay the dragon” each Monday morning. We husbands may not face Nazi prison camps—we may not fight for our lives on Everest—but as Thoreau put it all men live “…lives of quiet desperation…” …as they face the hopelessness and exhaustion and a hard-edged world—week in and week out. Because of this we need our wives to love us so well that the memory of your smiling faces and your encouragement will keep us going in the face of adversity. An old Sanskrit poem sums this up well.
Although I conquer all the earth, Yet for me there is only one city.
In that city there is only one house; And in that house, one room only;
And in that room, a bed—And one woman sleeps there,
The shining joy and jewel of all my kingdom.
So, wives, we want you to know—what you probably already know, thanks to that wonderful intuition that God gave you—we want you to know that your husbands have emotional needs.
(2.) We would also want you to understand that, believe it or not just like you, we have…RELATIONAL NEEDS…
Now as I said last week, it IS true that women tend to be better at relationships than men. As someone once put it, “Women enjoy RELATIONSHIPS while men enjoy RESULTS.” But, we guys DO have relational needs. It is just that they are hard for us to deal with. I’m reminded of a conversation Tim Allen once had with his TV wife, Jill, on ABC’s old sitcom, Home Improvement. He said, “Men have an extra ‘Y’ chromosome.” “So?” replied Jill. And Tim replied, “So…..men are always asking WHY do we always have to talk about relationships?”
I think most men are like Tim. Relationships, and talking about them, is uncomfortable for us.
Let me put it this way. Many wives tend to think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” But husbands tend to think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.”
Part of this relational discomfort stems from the fact that men aren’t as vocally-gifted as women. I once read that men use about 5,000 words in one day while women use 20,000. When a man reaches his “word limit” it’s like fishing because he stops—and it can be difficult to relate verbally with our wives with this kind of communication handicap. I mean, we WANT to relate—we want to communicate—but that’s hard at times—especially when we’ve used our 5,000 word limit at work. The fact is, relationships just don’t come easy for us.
One Redland husband wrote, “I wish my wife knew how to motivate me to give her ‘her way’ without confrontation.” Another said, “I wish my wife knew how deeply I desire to please her in every aspect of life; and how difficult it is without doing something irritating.” Many men are like these two in that they tend to avoid relationships for fear of irritation or failure and when this happens the marriage suffers.
H. Norman Wright offers a solution to this dilemma. He says, “A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an unexpressive male. Men can change. But, CHALLENGES or REPROACHES do not work. Carefully worded INVITATIONS do. Men respond to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he DOES at work than how he FEELS about it. Starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.”
But please hear this word of caution. Wright also points out that a man may finally open up to a women only to find that what he reveals is shared with others, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. And if this happens, he is not likely to be willing to talk about things like this in the future. Remember—safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge of his castle and share his feelings.
Wives should also know that men DEVELOP relationships in a different way than women. Women tend to make friends based on shared FEELINGS with another person…whereas men do so on the basis of shared ACTIVITIES. A man’s best buddy is often the friend from work who loves golf as much as he does. They are friends because they enjoy doing the same things together. So wives, if it seems like your relationship with your husband is a little rocky, I would advise making an extra effort to do things to BE WITH your husband. Learn to play golf or to fish. Go to a super-hero movie. Read the same book. Go for a bike ride. Find something you and your husband enjoy DOING together and I believe this will go a long way to help fulfill BOTH of your relational needs. But whatever you do, don’t buy into the myth that says that men don’t have relational needs. Nothing could be farther from the truth because men do need relationships. In fact, we are designed to be incomplete without them. As our Creator said, “It is NOT GOOD for man to be alone.” We are wired to require a help-mate, someone in life to BELIEVE IN US and ENCOURAGE us.
One Redland husband expressed this need when he wrote, I wish my wife knew “…how important her affirmation is to me.” Another said, “I wish my wife would treat me like a husband instead of like one of our kids. She has difficulty understanding the difference.”
This relational principle is found in Ephesians 5:33 where it says, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Wives, husbands need you to be their cheerleader—their one-woman fan club. They need a relationship with you in which they feel your confidence and trust. Of course everyone needs to hear encouraging words—but men especially need this.
Women tend to joke about the fragile male ego—but it is no joke. Our egos really are fragile and of all people, we need to hear words of encouragement from you. You see, since this is a broken down world, much of what men hear at work is not encouraging. Every day they deal with pessimism, anger, worries, and insecurity. Every day we fight a battle to pay the bills and provide for our families needs—and wants. The words of Proverbs 12:25 are so true these days, “An anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up.” Did you hear of the salesman who had been away from home an entire week? Homesick and worn out, he went into a café for some breakfast. The waitress came to take his order and he said, “I want two scrambled eggs, coffee, and a kind word.” She brought him his eggs and coffee and he said, “Now, how about that kind word?” She looked at him and said, “Don’t eat those eggs.” Men need kind words…affirming words. No man is an island. We need relationships. The LONE RANGER philosophy that says, “Real men don’t need anyone—except maybe their horse” — is NOT TRUE.
(3.) So….men have emotional needs….they have relational needs….and then, they also have…SPIRITUAL NEEDS..
Both women AND men have an inborn need to know God personally. We are not just physical beings. We are also mind and spirit. So not only do we have physical needs—we have spiritual needs as well. It is part of WHO and WHAT we are! The problem with many husbands….is that in an attempt to provide for their families they often get so busy in their careers that they forget this truth. They forget that they are spiritual beings.
Men tend to fall into the trap of drawing their identity and significance from what they DO. When asked to introduce themselves men say, “I…am a fireman, or a doctor or an accountant, or a software engineer, or a carpenter, or a dentist, or a plumber, or a pastor.” But tackling life in this way can be quite frustrating because each of us are so much MORE than what we do. Of course men should work…but our work should not define who we are. As Norman Wright puts it, “Who am I is the wrong question. The right question is ‘Where am I in relation to God Himself.’ Many men hearing this take the task-oriented male perspective and begin asking, ‘Then what can I start DOING for God?’ And again this is the wrong question. It is not DOING things for God. It is simply being WITH Him. Being with Him is the purpose of our life.”
Men need to learn that, as DCTALK used to sing, “It’s not who you are…it’s Who you know” that satisfies the real needs in our lives. That’s our true source of identity. You see, guys, being task-oriented….career-oriented…can lead us to become self-oriented and that is not how we were designed! We have spiritual needs that are not met in a career and more men need to learn to turn from living for self to living for and with God. We should heed the words of Paul in Galatians 2:20 who said, “I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, Who loved me and gave Himself for me.” You see, being career-oriented and the earthly success that often comes from this lifestyle choice can make a man think he doesn’t need God. He can become like millionaire Ted Turner who, referring to Jesus once said, “I don’t need anyone to die for me.” Men who fall into this trap should heed the warning given by the prophet Jeremiah who said, “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.” (Jer. 17:5)
They should hear the words of Jesus in Matthew 23 when He said, “Woe to you men who think you have all the answers!” We don’t have all the answers! We need the wisdom and guidance that only comes from a relationship with God. Perhaps this tendency to think we have all the answers and rely on self instead of God is why the suicide rate for men is two and a half times that of women. Maybe this is why the incidence of stress-related diseases such as high blood pressure, stroke, and heart disease is two to four times higher for men than women. One man, fearing burnout, went to his counselor who immediately urged him to do less work. “Furthermore,” the counselor continued, “I want you to spend one hour each week at the cemetery.” “What on earth do you want me to do that for?” the man replied incredulously. “What should I DO at the cemetery?” “Not much,” the counselor replied. “Take it easy, and look around. Get acquainted with some of the men already in there and remember, they didn’t finish their work either.” Men, we need to learn to walk with God…to depend on Him….to draw our significance in life not from WHAT WE DO but from Who we know. As Jeremiah 17:7 says, “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.”
A great violinist once visited Houston, Texas, to hold a concert. The news papers used most of their available space to describe his original, and extremely valuable Stradivarius violin. On the morning of the concert, the papers actually carried a picture of the great instrument that he would use. That night the hall filled with people, and the violinist played extremely well. As he finished, applause thundered from every part of the concert hall. After it subsided, he carefully laid down his bow and carried a chair out to center stage. Then…raising the violin over his head with both hands, he smashed it across the back of the chair. It splintered into a thousand pieces. The audience gasped and sat stunned. Then, coming back to the microphone, he said, “I read in this morning’s paper how great my violin was, so I walked down the street and found a pawnshop. For $10 I bought a cheap violin. I put new strings on it, and that’s the violin I played this evening, the smashed one. I wanted to demonstrate for you that it isn’t my violin that counts most. It’s the hands that hold it.” Likewise, successfully living as a Christian male depends less on the instrument (body) and more on the One Who holds us. Manhood is not found in physical abilities, personality, behavior, charisma, talent , intelligence, performance, or profession. Real manhood is found in the inner man who commits to being filled with the Holy Spirit of God. I love the response one Redland husband had on his survey. I think he understood this truth. He said, “I wish my wife knew that I want her to pray for me whenever she thinks of me. Specifically, that I become: (1) More intimate in my fellowship with the Lord, (2) That I become a better husband and father, (3) & that I develop a better witness to The Truth.”
So…after this sermon and it’s sequel I think we see that husbands and wives are similar and different. Both men and women have emotional, relational, and spiritual needs. But, due to their unique design, those needs must be met in different ways.I encourage you this morning as husbands and wives to commit to understanding these differences. And I promise you….there is a great amount of joy waiting for husbands and wives who make this kind of commitment. Paul Tournier wrote, “He who loves understands, and he who understands loves. One who feels understood feels loved, and one who feels loved feels sure of being understood….no one can develop freely in this world and find a full life without feeling understood by at least one person.” The wonderful truth is that all of us are understood by the One Who matters most. In fact, the One Who knows us best is God….and still, He loves us the most. We close by inviting you to respond to His love in some way. If you are here and are not a Christian then we invite you to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and in so doing enter into a love relationship with God. Maybe you need to respond to God’s love by committing to put aside your career and anything else that keeps God from being number one love of your life. Perhaps you are without a church home and as an individual or couple you feel God leading you to join this church. We invite you to respond in any way that God leads…as we sing.