I’m sure you’ve all heard of the great illusionist of yesteryear, Harry Houdini. I remember seeing a movie about his life story when I was a kid-I think Tony Curtis played the lead role-and the film showed him successfully escaping from all kinds of traps-including a time when he was able to get out of a trunk. That may not seem like a big deal but you see, Houdini was chained hand and foot inside that trunk-and it was lowered to the bottom of the Hudson river-at the height of winter-but he did it!
Well, this week I read that Houdini was so confident in his talents that he claimed he could be locked in any jail cell in the country and would be able to set himself free in short order. And-every time he was given this challenge, he accepted and did just as he promised. They left him alone in a locked cell and in a few short minutes he would miraculously escape.
But one time it didn’t go as Houdini planned. He entered a jail cell-the heavy, metal doors clanged shut behind him as usual. Then, when he was alone Houdini quickly took a special lock pick he had designed-a piece of strong but flexible metal that he kept hidden inside his belt-and he set to work. But he discovered that something was unusual about this particular lock. I mean, for thirty minutes he worked and got nowhere. An hour passed, and still he had not been able to open the door. By now he was bathed in sweat and panting in exasperation, but he still could not pick the lock. He tried all the tricks of his trade but nothing worked.
Finally, after laboring for two exhausting hours, Harry Houdini gave up and in frustration he sat down on the floor. Then, as he leaned back against the door to his cell, it swung open and he discovered it HAD NEVER BEEN LOCKED IN THE FIRST PLACE! Now understand-he thought it was locked and that thought-that mind set-was all it took to keep him from opening the door and walking out of that jail cell-a free man.
I share this story because there is a very real sense in which we are like Harry Houdini that day. I mean, we are free-but so many times we don’t live that way. Instead we live as imprisoned, enslaved people. And this morning on this national holiday weekend when we commemorate freedom, I want us to learn how we can open the “cell doors” of our lives so that we can live as truly free people.
Now you may be wondering what I’m referring to. After all, the fact is we ARE “free” here in the good ole U. S. of A. That’s what we were all celebrating this past Friday by shooting off all those fireworks. We rejoice at this time every year because in this country we are blessed with freedom-freedom of assembly, freedom of religion, freedom to bear arms, freedom of the press-I mean, basically we are free to do whatever we want in the United States as long as it does not infringe on the freedoms of others. But, you know, the truth is, whereas we ARE free in these areas I’ve mentioned, there IS in fact another area in which many of us are NOT free.
You see, many people-including some of us in this very room-are enslaved by the OPINIONS of others.
Now, this may not seem like much of a hindrance to you-but it CAN be VERY limiting to be a slave to the judgments of others. In his book, The Life You’ve Always Wanted, John Ortberg, teaching pastor at Willow Creek Community Church, refers to this form of imprisonment as “approval addiction”. He points out that this “addiction” takes many forms and that it can affect people of all ages. Let me list some of the symptoms of approval addiction, to help you see what I mean. In fact, you may find that you yourself are affected and even now are imprisoned by this particular mind set.
If you are hurt deeply when people express anything less than glowing opinions about your accomplishments, then you are probably suffering from approval addiction.
- If you constantly think that other people devalue you because of your weight or your height or your lack of hair or your lack of education…you could be an addict.
- If you feel that in order to prove your own worth, you have to degrade another person. I mean, if you find yourself constantly criticizing every one but yourself…
- If you find that you always live with the nagging sense that you aren’t important enough or special enough…
… or if you get envious of others who get the spotlight more than you do. Well, then you probably are an approval addict. - And, what’s more, if you worry that someone might THINK you are an approval addict, then you in fact probably ARE one.
Henri Nouwen described people who suffer from this form of bondage when he wrote, “Who am I? I am the one who is liked, praised, admired, disliked, hated, or despised. Whether I am a pianist, a businessman, or a minister, what MATTERS is how I am perceived by my world.”
And, the sad truth is when we are addicted to the approval of others we are NOT free, no matter what nation we live in. Instead we are slaves-always at the mercy of other people’s opinions.
And you know, as Nouwen says, even ministers have been known to suffer from this enslaving mind set. An old preacher once wrote this in his memoirs, “I was leaving my last church and a woman at the farewell reception was weeping. ‘Don’t be sad,’ I said, ‘I’m sure the next pastor will be better than me.’ She replied, ‘That’s what they said last time Reverend, but they keep getting worse.'” I’m sure that one comparative comment ruined this old preacher’s day because confusing our PERFORMANCE with our WORTH as a person is ALWAYS painful.
So many of us are like Sally Fields at the academy awards a few years back when she won her second Oscar and then responded by saying, “You like me! You like me!” Like Ms. Fields, many of us THINK we are good people ONLY IF we THINK other people THINK we are good people. Sociologist George Herbert Mead described this “ball and chain” that so many of us drag through life as “the generalized other.” He coined this phrase to refer to those people in whose judgement we measure our personal success or failure. Think of them as your own personal “American Idol” judges to whom we are constantly looking for a thumbs up or a thumbs down when it comes to our performance in life. These “life critics” can include our parents, school teachers, neighbors, spouses, friends, bosses, co-workers, and any other people that we deem significant. Well-approval addiction causes us to SEE our lives through THEIR eyes. When we do this we are never really free because we can’t take a step without wondering what our particular “American Idol” judge will think or say.
And then, another CHARACTERISTIC of people who are approval addicts is that they are constantly COMPARING themselves to their peers.
And this is nothing new-basically this is why Cain killed Abel-because he felt out-sacrificed by his brother. Now, as kids we ALL did this. Do you remember the awkward times in the school year when report cards came out? You could always tell who got good grades because they were the ones running around showing off THEIR report cards. They felt GOOD about themselves and were always looking for someone whose report card had less “A’s” on it so the comparison would make them feel EVEN BETTER about themselves.
When we went to college we behaved the same way about our academic prowess. How many of you have ever used the phrase, “I hardly studied for this test” as the professor was passing out recently graded exam papers? We say this because we want to make sure that others know that a potential bad grade on a test is no reflection on our intelligence or ability.
How many of you have ever talked to someone about a TV program you watched and prefaced your comments with, “I don’t watch TOO MUCH TV but the other night I saw this show….”
We use this phrase because we’re afraid of people might think all we do is sit around watching TV and eating Oreos. And if people thought that-well, it would be unbearable for us. I used to hate going to Youth Ministry Conferences because inevitably they would divide us into small groups of youth ministers so that we could meet each other and when this happened our conversation would always turn into competitive comparisons. One youth minister would say, “How many youth did you bring to CENTRIFUGE this summer?” If my answer was more than his group he wouldn’t talk much to me the rest of the week. He seemed to feel somehow “unworthy” to talk to me. And-if his group was bigger than mine then I would spend the rest of the day wondering why I wasn’t successful in teen ministry. Over the past six years I’ve learned that PASTORS can be just as bad. When we get together someone always asks, “How many did YOU baptize last year?” or, “How big is YOUR Sunday School?” or “How many sermon tapes do YOU sell each week?”
My point is that all of us reveal our “jail cells” with this kind of behavior-We show that we are indeed “imprisoned” by the opinions of others when we constantly compare like this whether it be our houses or jobs or vacation plans or our children’s achievements, or our success at work.
I remember talking to a Christian friend a few years ago-a member of this church-who was under constant stress. You could see it on his face and hear it in his voice. He was always comparing himself to his co-workers and he told me once that he was constantly afraid because he felt that if he didn’t out-perform them in research, development, and sales, he would lose his job and not be able to take care of his family. This man was enormously talented and successful but this mind set blinded him to that fact and imprisoned him in a jail cell of his own making.
And, you know, this attitude has enough enslaving power to make us FEEL like a failure even we we accomplish GREAT things. Listen to what one American citizen once wrote at the end of his life:
“I have done nothing. I have no ability to do anything that will live in the memory of mankind. My life has been spent in vain and idle aspirations, and in ceaseless rejected prayers that the result of my existence should be beneficial to my own species.”
Do you know who wrote these words? John Quincy Adams-former President of the United States, Congressman, and Secretary of State. This great man-felt like a failure!
Another thing-this enslaving attitude can steer our AMBITIONS in life.
I mean, if I think being busy is important to others, then I make it my goal to be busy. If having money is a popular sign of real freedom, then I tend to feel that I must get lots of it. If knowing all the right important people proves my worth-then I have to do this. I do all I can to get in the inner circle of all the “right” people.
Do you see what I mean? And-be honest-can you relate? I mean, wouldn’t you say that many of us do in fact live inside the “jail cell”that this attitude creates?
Well, wouldn’t it be great if there were some way that we could make our own PERSONAL declaration of independence, and in so doing free ourselves from this addiction to the approval of others? I mean-think about it!
- Imagine being able to consider the criticism of others as a small thing.
- Picture what it would be like to be liberated from the need to impress people.
- Think how truly free we could feel if our sense of self-esteem no longer rested on whether someone noticed how smart, or attractive, or successful we are.
- Imagine being able to actually feel love toward someone who constantly disapproves of us.
Lewis Smedes describes this kind of freedom when he writes: “One of the fine arts of gracious living is the art of living freely with our critics. When we have the grace to be free in the presence of those who judge our lives and evaluate our actions, we have Christian freedom.”
Now, in our text for today, Jesus said that as Christians we CAN experience true freedom. And this morning I want to point out three things that Ortberg suggests-three things that will help push open the doors to our “jail cells” and be as Jesus said, “…FREE INDEED.” Think of them as three “lock picks”- three things we can do that will make it possible for us to live as people who are free of the enslavement that comes from worrying too much about the opinions of others.
1. The first is the practice of SECRECY.
This is a very simple way of countering the affects of approval addition because it involves doing good for others without anyone knowing about it. This practice helps us learn to do good without seeking the praise of other people. Jesus spoke of it in Matthew 6:1-4 when He said, “Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you do give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, Who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
Now, please note that our Lord says here that we miss a BLESSING when we do things to be seen by others. There is a reward that we FORFEIT when we neglect the practice of secrecy. In fact, I think He was referring to not just ONE reward but TWO. First, Jesus was saying if we do things such that only God knows-if our motive is to please God and not just to be seen by others-then some day when we die and approach the gates of Heaven we’ll hear God say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant!” And that will be quite a reward won’t it! I mean the best compliment we get on earth gives onlya a shadow of the joy that will come from hearing those words uttered by God…and Jesus is saying if we do things just to be seen by others we’ll forfeit this. Our Heavenly Father won’t say these words to us.
But I think Jesus is also saying that there is a second reward we forfeit if we do good deeds just to be seen by our peers and it is a PRESENT reward-something we give up in the here and now. You see, acts of servanthood done to impress others-well they tend to lose their intrinsic power to help us grow spiritually, don’t they?! For example, if we give money away anonymously, we become less enslaved by it and experience freedom and joy. Money is no longer our master when we give secretly to help others. Doing this helps us to discover that God will meet our needs-and that it feels good to genuinely help others. We begin to experience the abundant life that Jesus promised with this practice. But if we choose to impress people by making sure they know of our generosity-well then the nature of our action changes. We settle for the narcotic of the approval of others. And instead of becoming a little more free, we become a little more enslaved. Ortberg writes,
“Acts done to impress others cease to have value as training for life in the kingdom.”
So, one way we can TRULY free ourselves and at the same time experience abundant life is by doing good things for others SECRETLY believing that it is enough to know that God sees. And it works. The happiest Christians I’ve known live for an audience of One. They don’t work to gain the approval of others-instead they yearn for the approval of their Heavenly Father. They agree with the Apostle Paul who wrote the Corinthians and said, “It is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.”
You know, when we were little and accomplished things-we wanted our parents to notice. I mean, how many times have you taken your little children to the park and when they climbed to the top of the monkey bars or when they first got the hang of a two-wheeler they said, “Look at me mom! Look at me!” They did that because they wanted their achievement to be noticed-and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is normal for little children to do this. But when adults live for the praise of others something is wrong. Their maturity has been stunted. They’re still acting like children. And if you fall into that category, one way you can grow up and free yourself of this immature attitude is by doing good deeds in a way that no one but God will ever notice. I mean, try it. Every once in a while do something good and make sure no one finds out about it.
- Pick someone in your life and immerse that person in prayer and don’t tell anyone.
- Make a lavish donation to a missionary or send a sacrificial gift to a person in need and keep it anonymous.
- Live so deeply with a portion of Scripture that it becomes etched on your mind and heart and don’t tell anyone you have studied and memorized it.
- Mow your neighbor’s lawn while they are gone on vacation. Wear a disguise so your other neighbors won’t recognize you.
Tony Campolo says that whenever he crosses a toll bridge in his home town of Philadelphia, he always pays for not only his car but for the car that follows, telling the toll clerk, “This is for my friend behind me.” Then he looks in his rearview mirror and enjoys the facial expression of the stranger in the car who is wondering, “Who did this thoughtful thing for me?”
You see, giving in secrecy helps us to learn that it REALLY IS better to give than to receive. It’s much more fun! So, one way to open the “cell door” of your life is by thinking of yourself as “The Lone Ranger” secretly doing good deeds in Jesus’ name after which people are constantly saying, “Who was that masked man who did that wonderful thing for me?” Do good things-great things-but do them in secret so that only God sees. When you do, I believe you will hear the “lock” click and the door to your cell starting to open. And then, a second thing that will break the chain and help free you from the opinions of others is to….
2. …remember that other people’s opinions can only enslave us if we LET them.
Psychiatrist David Burns points out that it is not the compliments that we get from other people that make us feel better about ourselves. Rather is it our BELIEF that there is VALIDITY to their compliments. He writes, “Suppose you were to visit the PSYCHIATRIC WARD of a hospital and a female mental patient were to approach you with this greeting, ‘You are wonderful. I had a vision from God. He told me the 13th person to walk through the door would be the special messenger. You are the 13th, so I know you are the chosen one-the holy one-the bringer of peace to the world; let me kiss your shoe.'”
Now, of course if this happened to you in a psychiatric ward, your sense of self-esteem would probably not rise because you would not assess her opinion as being valid. And this should help us see that we are not the passive victims of other people’s opinions. Their opinions are powerless until we validate them. No one’s approval can affect us unless we grant it credibility and status-and the same holds true for disapproval. In Galatians 1:10 Paul writes, “Am I now seeking human approval or God’s approval? Am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” You see, as I said a moment ago, MATURE, genuinely free, Christians don’t live to please people. They live to please God. They DO play for an audience of One. They don’t care what others think-unless they know God would care what they think-which leads us into the third thing we must BELIEVE if we are to break our chains of bondage to the opinions of others, and it is this:
3. …..the only opinion about our lives that really matters is GOD’S opinion.
In Luke 12 Jesus alluded to this fact when He said, “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after than can do no more. But fear Him Who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell.” Our Lord was saying the only DISAPPROVAL we should fear is GOD’S!
Paul understood this as well, because in 1 Corinthians 4:3-4 he said, “I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord Who judges me.”
Now, I want to point out that Paul didn’t say the Corinthians’ criticism didn’t bother him. It still mattered what they thought but it didn’t matter too much. He “cared very little” so little that their opinions were not able to enslave him. Paul’s self-worth rested on his acceptance by a higher court. He knew that “it was the Lord” Who judged his life. And you know, it makes sense to base our self-worth on God’s judgement because He made us and as such is best-qualified to be our Judge. As Ephesians 2:10 says, “We are HIS workmanship.” The Greek here literally says that God has UNIQUELY designed each and every one of us. No two of us is alike-so it’s silly to compare ourselves to others.
You know, you don’t have to travel around the world to discover that God in fact LOVES variety. He made all shapes, sizes, colors, intensities of everything. For example, did you know that God made over 300,000 species of beetles? I don’t know about you but wouldn’t you call that creative overkill? I mean, couldn’t the world have been happy with just 50,000 species? Why did God create six times that many? Did you know that in one cubic foot of snow there are 18 million snowflakes and no two of them are alike? Now, nobody else is going to appreciate this but GOD. I mean you and I can’t even see the beauty of all those differently sculpted snowflakes without a microscope. Only God can do that-so He must love variety-in snowflakes and beetles-and in people too.
We went to Delaware Friday and watched the fireworks from the lawn of the state capital with my mom and some of Sue’s family. Of course you have to go early to get a good seat and I don’t mind too much because it gives me time to do one of my favorite things-watch people. And you would be amazed at the people you see come and go on the 4th! It’s almost more fun than the fireworks! We sat next to a quiet AMISH family and a few moments later a tattooed man with a boa constrictor around his neck walked by-talk about variety!
But, people are unique-physically. They come in all sizes and shapes and colors! And, they are unique mentally and emotionally as well. In fact their interchanges as they walk by can be very entertaining! Did you know that researchers have discovered that there are at least 18,000 different personality traits. The possible combinations of these various traits are limitless. I point all this out to say, YOU are unique. There is not another person in the world like you. There has never been and never will be. God did not create carbon copies. He only creates originals. Now, why would God go to all that trouble? I mean it would have been a lot easier to make only one kind of man and one kind of woman. But He didn’t do that. He made every human unique because He wants you to know how special you are-how precious you-ONE OF A KIND YOU-are to Him.
And-not only did God create you uniquely. He also custom-designed you for a specific PURPOSE-a purpose that brings our lives freedom and fulfilment.
Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are GOD’S workmanship-His masterpiece-created in Christ Jesus to do [specific] good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” When Daniel was about three he got into playing with some jigsaw puzzles. He quickly mastered the children’s 25-piece puzzles and started playing with our bigger 1,000-piece puzzles. But the problem was if a piece looked like it should fit, Daniel made it fit-even if it wasn’t supposed to-and the mismatched pieces would get stuck and bent and scratched in the process. In the same way, when we try to find our place according to the world’s standards rather than God’s we get bent and scratched and hurt-and stuck. But-when we devote our lives to God’s purpose, then we find fulfillment AND FREEDOM. You are not here by accident. You are not just taking up space. God made you for a reason. God had a plan in your genetic codes. You are YOU because God wanted YOU to be YOU. So it IS pointless to compare ourselves to others-God created each of us unique.
But your value is not only seen in the unique way God created you. It is also seen in the fact that He claimed you as His own.
1 Corinthians 6:19 says, “You are not your own; you were bought with a price.” So, we are far from worthless! God paid a staggering price to make it possible for our sin debt to be paid so He could get us back. And, if you and I can ever grasp the fact that we are worth so much to God that He was willing to pay the ultimate price, the death of His only Son on the cross, in order to claim us as His own, then we will never again be enslaved by thinking of ourselves as worthless or unlovable. John 3:16 basically says,
“God VALUED every single human being so highly that He gave His one and only Son to die on the cross so that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.”
When we know this and believe it, then we are indeed free from the approval of other people. I love MAX LUCADO’s story in which he describes a fictional village inhabited by wooden people called Wemmicks. If you’ve read it then you know that Wemmicks are the creation of a wood carver named Eli who lives in a house above their village. All day long the Wemmicks engage in one activity. They give each other STICKERS. If a Wemmick is pretty or talented he or she receives yellow STAR stickers. But if a Wemmick is not pretty or talented, then all day long there are given gray dot stickers.
The hero of the story is a Wemmick named Punchinello. He had no star stickers and was covered with so many gray dot stickers that he rarely went outside and when he did he hung around with other Wemmicks who were covered with dots. He felt better in comparison to them. One day he met a Wemmick named Lucia who had no stickers at all on her wooden body and when Punchinello asked her how this was possible, she directed him to visit his creator, the woodcarver, Eli. Let me read to you what happens when Punchinello takes Lucia’s advice and goes to Eli’s workshop:
Eli scooped him up into his arms and said, “Looks like you’ve been given some bad marks.”
“I didn’t mean to, Eli. I tried really hard” said Punchinello.
“Oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, child. I don’t care what the other Wemmicks think.”
“You don’t?”
“No, and you shouldn’t either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They’re Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn’t matter, Punchinello.
All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special.”
Punchinello laughed, “Me, special? Why, I can’t walk fast. I can’t jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?”
Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. “Because you’re mine. That’s why you matter to me.”
Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this-much less his maker. He didn’t know what to say. “Every day I’ve been hoping you’d come,” Eli explained.
“I came because I met someone who had no marks,” said Punchinello.
“I know. She told me about you.”
“Why don’t the stickers stay on her?”
The maker spoke softly. “Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think.
You see, the stickers only stick if you let them. The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers.”
Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and sat him on the ground and as he did, he said, “You are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.”
As Punchinello walked home he thought, “I think he really means it.” And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.
You are special. ALL OF YOU! All of us are PRECIOUS in God’s sight. And there is a great freeing power in that knowledge. When we know how priceless we are to God, stickers don’t stick and the cell doors in our lives swing open.
Do you feel imprisoned this morning? Have you come to see that you are enslaved by approval addiction? Would you like to free yourself of it? You can-by practicing the art of SECRECY-doing good such that only God sees and by remembering that other people’s opinions can enslave us only if we let them and by believing that the only opinion that matters is that of our Heavenly Father-Who uniquely made each of us-and Who valued us so highly that He sent His Son to die for us.
If you are not a Christian then we invite you to leave your bondage and come into the freedom and light of God’s love. And if you are here and you are a Christian but you have been living a life of addiction to the approval of others, then today I urge you to commit to live your life playing for an audience of One. Let’s stand together and sing and respond publicly as God leads.