Anyone who has lived very long on this old world of ours will tell you that life is full of decisions, .day after day after day. We begin making decisions the moment we wake up at the beginning of the day and don’t stop making them until we drift off to sleep at the end of the day. Think of all the decisions you’ve already made just this morning. “Will I push the snooze button and sleep 5 more minutes? What will I eat for breakfast? Will I go to church? What will I wear?” Then when we walk into the church foyer our decisions continue: “Should I eat a donut? Should I eat another donut? Should I use the hymnal or just look at the words on the wall? Should I try and stay awake for the sermon? Where will we eat lunch today? How much tip should I leave?”
Of course these kinds of decisions are not all that crucial-they’re not life-changing, so it doesn’t make much difference if you make a wrong choice (except for the sermon decision of course!). But there are other decisions in life that are crucial. They are very important. For example: “What career will I pursue?” “Should I have children?” And most important of all, “What will I do with the claims of Jesus Christ?” These decisions are indeed life-changing, eternity-changing. We “mess-up”-we make the wrong choice-in these decisions at our own peril.
One more example of a life-changing kind of decision is of course marriage. This is another one that we dare not get wrong because to do so could possibly cause us (and our loved ones) to endure a great deal of misery.
Now, when it comes to the decisions of life and how to make them correctly the Bible provides us with the perfect guidance. We find it in our text for this morning: Proverbs 3:5-6.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways [all your decisions] acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Today we’re beginning a series of sermons in which we are going to obey the command that we find in this verse, and ask God for His guidance when it comes to the decisions that center around matrimony. My hope and prayer is that once we are done, we will all be better equipped when it comes to knowing how to get this one right.
Next week is our Cantata and the following Sunday our Gulf Mission Trip team will share their experiences. But when I return to the pulpit on May 13, we’ll acknowledge God’s Word when it comes to learning to fight right as husbands and wives. We’ll look to the Bible for help when it comes to dealing with the inevitable conflict that comes in marriage in such a way that our relationships as husbands and wives are strengthened. On May 20 we’ll acknowledge God, we’ll seek His guidance, in using money right as spouses-learning how to make marriage-building decisions when it comes to our finances. And then on May 27 we’ll ask God’s help when it comes to building the right marriage. On that day we’ll talk about how to make our spousal relationship all God intended.
This morning we begin our study by looking to the Scriptures for help in beginning marriage-specifically the challenge of finding the right person to marry. And this can indeed be a tough decision to make. Of course, the first man, Adam, had it easy. God custom-made him a woman. There was no looking involved. Eve was literally the only girl in the world for Adam. But it’s not that simple for us is it? No-when it comes to choosing a spouse these days there is a decision to make. So, how do make it right? Of all the billions of people on this planet, how do we choose the right person?
Now, in times like these I always find a child’s input to be very entertaining. To show you what I mean, here are some of results of questions on this subject that were posed to little kids. When asked, “What do most people do on a date?” Martin, age 10, said, “On the first date, they just tell each other lies. And that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin has apparently dated a great deal in his 10 years. Here’s another one: “Is it better to be single or to be married?” Anita, age 9, says, “It is better for girls to be single, but not boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” Will, age 7, simply said, “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” Here’ another one: “How do people in love typically behave?” Wendy, age 8, said, “When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and don’t get up for at least an hour.” I don’t know about you but I think Wendy has very high expectations when it comes to communicating affection in a physical way. I’m very concerned for her future husband. When asked, “How do you make love endure?” Erin, age 8, advised, “Don’t forget your wife’s name. That will mess up love every time.” And David, who is also 8 years old, said, “Be a good kisser. That might make your wife forget you never take out the trash.” Here’s another one: “What are some sure-fire ways to make someone fall in love with you?” Dell, age 6, says, “Tell them you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” Camille, age 9, said “Shake your hips and hope for the best.” I’m kind of worried about Camille and to be honest, I’m glad I’m not her dad. Here’s one more, “How do we know who we’re supposed to marry?” Ten-year-old Kristen said, “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Well, is Kristen right? Is that how it works? If so, how do we know who it is that God has picked out for us? This reminds me of the story about a young man who was in love with two women. He couldn’t decide which one to marry. Finally, he went to his pastor for help and his pastor asked him to describe the two women. The man said one girl was a prolific poet and the other made mouth-watering pancakes. His pastor responded with keen insight and said, “I see your problem. You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or for verse.”
Okay, I know it’s bad, but I couldn’t resist! But let’s get back to today’s topic. How do we know who to marry? How can we make a wise, God-honoring choice when it comes to the person we will spend the rest of our lives with? How can we find the right person? And please understand. This is not a waste of sermon time because this is indeed a vital question. In fact, I would go so far as to say that, outside of your choice to follow God, who you decide to marry the most significant life-altering decision you will ever make. The single-most thing you can do to enhance your marriage is actually something you do before the wedding. It’s making sure you choose the right person in the first place!
Now, the truth is personnel selection is crucial in lots of fields. Let’s use my favorite sport, basketball, as an example. This week I read that in the 1984 NBA draft, the Houston Rockets had the number one pick. They got to choose first, and they selected Hakeem Olajuwon, who was a great player in the NBA. The Portland Trailblazers had the number two pick that year. They used it to choose a guy named Sam Bowie. Sam turned out to be injury prone. Things didn’t work out too well. He had a fairly marginal, quite brief career in the NBA. The third choice that year belonged to the Chicago Bulls. Anybody remember who they decided to choose to play on their team in 1984? I’ll give you a hint. He literally soared above his NBA peers for years: Michael Jordan.
Imagine for a moment you were the guy in Portland who realized you used your choice to select Sam Bowie when you could have chosen Michael Jordan! I bet that guy has been kicking himself ever since! Now, I’m sure this guy didn’t make his choice casually because sports teams don’t do that. They watch countless hours of film. They do exhaustive background checks, personality inventories. They expend an enormous amount of energy to do everything they can to ensure they’re making the right choice, and they do this because they know choosing the right player is the single most important variable in making a great basketball team. Well, friends, the same thing is true of the marital team. I don’t mean to sound “un-romantic” but the fact is when it comes to getting marriage right, “personnel selection” is key.
Now, I realize that the majority of us present this morning have already made our personnel selection. Single adults of marrying age are definitely in the minority at Redland, so a lot of you may be deciding right now that it’s okay to tune me out. Well, please don’t do that because this message is for us all for several reasons. First, as a church family, we may be called on by one of our singles to help with them this decision. And, second, as parents, I believe we have a God-given responsibility to guide our children, and perhaps even our grandchildren to make this very important decision in a God-honoring way. And finally, you teenagers out there are even now forming your own principles when it comes to dating, which is designed to prepare you for marriage in the not too distant future. So everyone needs to listen to this message! There-I’ve made one decision for you!
Okay, to help us in this learn to get this part of marriage right, I am drawing on three main sources: Neil Clark Warren’s book entitled, Finding The Love of Your Life, Bill Hybels’ book, Making Life Work, and John Ortberg’s comments on Warren’s book. I’m using these resources to help us examine six very basic, very practical Biblical principles that will help us make this vitally-important decision right.
(1) Here’s the first. Take it slow.
In other words, don’t get married too quickly. Give yourselves a chance to really get to know each other. Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” Well, this principle applies to marriage just as much as it does to other investments. So, take your time, because the odds are against the success of any marriage in which bride and groom rush things.
In his book, Warren cites a Kansas State University study that establishes a strong correlation between long courtships and satisfying marriages, and an equally strong correlation between short courtships and heartbreaking marriages. Now, I know that couples who are starry-eyed and deeply in love with love and excited about sharing their life together don’t want to hear about applying the test of time to their relationship. But the fact is, the have everything to gain and almost nothing to lose by developing their relationship over a long period. They need to remember, that marriage as God designed it to work, is for a long time. It is literally a “’til death to us part” decision. Marriage is for life, so it means dirty dishes and dirty diapers and bounced checks and financial crises and communication glitches. It means career struggles and time pressures and mortgage payments and sickness. It means arguing over whether to watch Braveheart or My Best Friend’s Wedding. It means watching his hairline recede and his waistline advance. It means navigating family issues and emotional problems and aging and challenges you can’t even imagine right now. And the fact is, the less time you give yourself to make a decision when it comes to this kind of life-long commitment, the less likely you are to make it right. So don’t hurry. Take your time. Date at least 9 months; a year or more is even better.
Now, I know you’re thinking that you’ve heard of a couple who ran away and got married after knowing each other only two weeks, and they’re still in love 50 years later. Well, I know that has been known to happen. I’m aware of that. I watch chick flicks and have read Good Housekeeping from time to time, so I know that sometimes short courtships work. But you know, sometimes people go over Niagara Falls in a barrel and survive as well and that doesn’t mean it’s a good choice for a means of river transportation. So, be smart. Give the relationship time. Give yourself a chance to endure a few fights. Give your parents time to weigh in on how they view the match. You may think, you’re old enough to make this decision on your own, but you’re a fool if you don’t seek the guidance of the people who have watched you grow up, people who know you better than you know yourself, and who have your best interests at heart; people who have decades of marital experience and whose minds are not befuddled by love-induced hormonal levels as yours probably are.
If you have any doubts on this first principle, I encourage you to do your own little survey. Ask people that are married or have been married-ask how many of them have real serious regrets that they took long in the courtship process. And then ask how many people have real serious regrets because they got married too quickly, because they spent too little time getting to know each other. You find out which side has the most people in it. Do your survey, but listen, I can save you some time because I know what you’re going to find out. I know what the stats say. And really this is a no-brainer. If you err on the side of taking too much time, the worst-case scenario is you’ve lost a little time that you would have been married. If you err on the other side by getting married too fast you can wreck your life and wreck somebody else’s life-perhaps the lives of your children.
So take it slow. Don’t get married in a hurry.
(2) Second, grow up first.
Another mistake that leads to unhappy marriages is seen in people who pick their spouses when they are too young. As Proverbs 7:7 says, young people often lack judgment-especially in this area, so grow up first! This marital principle is the same one that prompts us not to let three-year-olds play with knives. It’s why we don’t let eight-year-olds drive cars. It’s not that 3-year-olds or 8-year-olds are bad. It’s just that they are not mature enough to be wise enough to handle that kind of responsibility. And when it comes to selecting your spouse for life-well it requires maturity, and the discernment and experience to make that decision wisely. Plus, making this choice too young is foolish because as we grow and mature we change. If you make this choice when you are too young you might end up married to a very different person than the one you chose!
Experts tell us that most people don’t reach psychological maturity until age 25. One author notes, “Adolescence in our society often lasts until the mid-20s, although males generally will reach a higher level of emotional maturity significantly earlier than females.” Actually that last part is not true-I just wanted to see if you are listening. I hate to admit it but girls tend to mature sooner than guys.
In any case, I know there are exceptions to the rule here, but the fact is the majority of us are just not ready to choose our spouse before age 25. Before that age we’re still establishing our identity, and our core values. We’re still learning what it is that we are good at-which we need to know in order to discern the career God is calling us to. And-we’re still solidifying our spiritual maturity. So, during this critical time of growth and development and change we can’t be expected to make a decision as important and far-reaching as this one. Choosing the right spouse before either of you have grown up is like shooting at a moving target from a spinning platform!
And once again statistics bear this out. The divorce rate for those who are married at the age of 21 or 22 is twice as high as the divorce rate for those who are married at the age of 24 or 25. Think about that! Simply waiting a couple years doubles the odds of a successful marriage! I realize this may post-pone the arrival of my own grandchildren, but take it slow. Be sure you’re grown up before you get matched up.
(3) Warren’s third guidance when it comes to selecting a spouse is: Don’t be too eager.
Now, marital haste stems from several sources. For example: Many people fall in love with the notion of marriage. Some marry-especially females-because they love the idea of a wedding! They are ecstatic about the idea of being the center of attention for several months and about all the planning and buying and decorating and getting all those gifts at all those showers! They love the idea of setting up house and can’t wait to start. It’s sort of a grown up version of the kind of fun that they had playing with their dolls. And it’s all culminated with that performance, I mean ceremony, where they walk down the aisle while all eyes are glued on them. Unfortunately a few weeks later, these eager brides find that in their haste they invested too much time in the wedding, and not enough time in choosing their spouse. Others are too eager to marry because they think, “If I don’t meet someone soon, I’ll always be alone. And I couldn’t stand that. Anything is better than being alone.” Well, that’s not true. Being married to the wrong person is much worse than being alone.
Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is a wonderful thing. But it will not solve all your problems. It will not make all your difficulties go away. In fact, it will introduce some new ones. Plus, it will not take away all your aloneness. You will still be you, and if you are not okay with who you are alone before God, you’re not ready to share your life with someone else.
Sometimes a person gets overeager or desperate to get married because they’re in a relationship where they feel insecure about the other person. They’re afraid the other person might change his or her mind, so they try to pressure things to get a commitment, to get married. Now, think of the foolishness in this kind of “logic.” Here’s what’s going on in that person’s mind, “I’m afraid that perhaps deep down you don’t really love me, and might want out of this relationship. So, I better marry you real quick so I can be in a permanent, binding, forever relationship with someone who does not know if he loves me and thinks he might want to get away.”
Does that make any sense? Why would you put yourself in that position? Why would anybody set themselves up for pain by trying to enter into a binding, permanent relationship, with somebody who’s not even sure if they want to be in a relationship with you?
Others marry quickly after a painful break-up as a way to soothe their pain and they end up in far more pain.
And then Bill Hybels writes, “Sometimes people who have had difficult childhoods think marriage will make up for all the troubles and travails and deficits of their lives, they think marriage will guarantee them the bliss they missed in the past. Usually nothing is further from the truth.”
The fact is that time and time again people who marry hurriedly, people who find someone pretty quickly and get married pretty quickly have a marriage that ends pretty quickly. Ortberg says, “When it comes to getting married over eagerness is matrimonial homicide.”
(4) Fourth, before you walk that aisle, really know each other.
Many selection mistakes stem from the fact that spouses don’t really know each other, in that they have not shared a wide enough range of life experiences.
- They’ve never weathered a tragedy together.
- They’ve never resolved a conflict with one another.
- They’ve never negotiated a serious compromise over a deeply held value.
- They have never worked through a financial challenge.
- They’ve never really talked about each other’s careers.
- They’ve never worshiped together.
- They’ve never gotten to know each other’s friends or families.
I, for one, don’t think we should kiss dating good-bye, because before you choose a spouse you need to do things together that give you the chance to really get to know this person. You need to know how this person behaves and reacts to the kinds of difficulties that come with life in a fallen world. You need a pre-view in that a year-long-courtship that will give you when it comes to seeing what it would be like to share the future with that person.
(5) This leads to a fifth thing: You need to know all the broken places.
Think about it. When we buy a used car, we hire a mechanic to give it a once over. We want him to tell us if the brakes are good and if the engine has any defects. We want to know if it’s been in an accident and if so was it repaired properly. When you buy a house you hire an inspector to crawl around the sub-basement to see if there are termites and to check out the roof and the plumbing and the wiring. You want to know if it’s a good investment. Smart buyers want as much information as they can get before they buy. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that they will never buy a car or a house that has damage. It’s just that they want to make that decision with their eyes open. They want to know what they are dealing with.
Well, potential spouses should be just as wary. They need to know about the damage life has caused their future mates. They need to know how they dealt with that damage. They need to know about their broken-ness. This is another one of the purposes of dating. In that process we can discover problems with anger or jealousy, or selfishness or a lack of basic integrity. Unfortunately many times potential spouses who see these problems think, “Well, when we get married and I am loving that other person with all of the tremendous healing power of love that I have in my being, then he or she will change.” That is simply foolish. Remember-before marriage we put our best foot forward. After marriage things don’t get better-they usually get worse. So, know what you are getting into. Ask yourself, “Can I live with this person with all their shortcomings for the rest of my life knowing there’s a good chance they won’t change?”
(6) Finally, Warren says, when it comes to choosing the love of your life, be compatible.
Contrary to what most of us believe, researchers in the area of marital success have concluded that the thing most likely to make relationships work over the long haul is similarity. I know we say that opposites attract, but studies show that often the very things that initially attract two people push them apart later. This is not to say that personality differences between spouses are necessarily bad, but as Hybels points out, “. marriages built on differences, on the attraction of opposites, without an underlying foundation of core similarities are usually headed for trouble.”
With this in mind, let me quickly offer four areas of compatibility that should be in place before partners stand together at the altar.
A. First there is the magic factor
This is attraction, chemistry, and in spite of what you may think, some of the most powerful examples of the magic factor are found not in Shakespeare or Hollywood, but in the Bible. For example, in the book of Genesis we read about a man named Jacob who met a woman named Rachel. He felt such a powerful attraction for her that Genesis 29:11 says the first time he greeted her, “.Jacob began to weep aloud.” Any of you husbands do that? Jacob had to work seven years to get her father’s permission for them to wed but their attraction was so strong that the Bible says these years, “. seemed like only a few days.” (Gen. 29:20)
This attraction is the “somewhere across a crowded room” kind of thing where your eyes meet and you think, “Who is that girl?” or “Who is that guy? I’ve got to meet him!” Well, I believe one way God tells us who we are to marry is with this “magic factor”, this attraction we feel to our spouses. It’s like our Designer taps us on the shoulder and says, “That’s her! That’s the one you are designed to love!”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we should marry the first person that makes our heart skip a beat, but don’t under-estimate the importance of a mutual attraction. Think of it as a foretaste of the kind of attraction and love that will build over the years in a Godly life-time commitment.
B. Next there is the character factor.
Proverbs 11:3 says, “The integrity of the upright guides them but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” This text and others like it remind us that for marriage to work, both partners have to embrace Biblical integrity. This is not optional. It’s an essential building block for any marital foundation.
I mean, think the kind of relationship that would come from these combinations:
- One partner is committed to honesty but the other tends to fudge the truth.
- One partner uses money responsibly so as to save, tithe, and help the poor while the other throws it away carelessly.
- One works hard and is disciplined while the other is just plain hillbilly lazy.
- One chooses friends wisely but the other hangs with a bad crowd.
- One is committed to sexual fidelity the other considers it an option.
Friends, these are not minor differences of opinion. Conflicting character traits like these create a wedge that can eventually destroy a marriage. Character determines the trust level in a marriage and without trust you can’t build a marriage. So don’t compromise on this. Look closely at your partner. Do you have confidence in their integrity? Can you trust him or her in every way?
C. The third area of compatibility you need to consider is the talk factor.
This may seem obvious or simple, but real communication is not easy to accomplish. Couples whose marriages flourish almost always list among the reasons for their success the fact that, “they talk about everything.” And they don’t mean the weather and the kids. They mean they have learned to engage each other in deep, meaningful conversations. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes in the human mind are like deep water, but the intelligent will draw them out.” Hybels writes,
“People in mature relationships know how to lovingly and patiently draw deeply personal thoughts and feelings out of one another. They ask questions, they listen. They ask more questions, they wait, they gently probe, they affirm, they encourage. They provide a safe environment for the deep disclosures that lead to true intimacy in marriage. They learn how to speak the truth in love and how to resolve conflicts without drawing blood or undermining the security of the relationship. They learn how to discuss hopes and dreams without making each other feel foolish. They become each other’s most enthusiastic cheerleaders.”
And this kind of meaningful, essential communication takes two people who know how to talk-really talk. So, before you say, “I do,” consider the talk factor.
D. And then finally, the most important area of compatibility is the God factor.
In other words, when it comes to your search for a life mate, you need to look for another Christian. As texts like 2 Corinthians 6:14 say, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” Now, singles may think that this is unrealistic because it shrinks the playing field too much. They think marrying only Christians reduces the number of potential marital candidates. But remember, compatibility in marriage flows out of a shared deep core similarity and what could be more deep than a person’s spirituality? Think about it!
- What impacts a your personhood more than a realization that you are a child of God?
- What transforms your heart more, what makes you more loving, than a realization that you are loved by God?
- What enhances the magic factor more than a day-to-day walk with the all-knowing Being Who designed you and knows your relational needs best?
- What gives us higher integrity than a commitment to live by the teachings of God’s infallible Word?
- What gives you the power to keep this life-long commitment more than a love that is empowered by God Himself-the God Who teaches us to forgive over and over and over again?
Chip Ingram puts it this way. He says that as Christians instead of finding the right person, we need to strive to become the right person, as we work to deepen our walk with Jesus Christ. Well, in selecting your spouse, you need to find someone else who is committed to becoming the right person, someone who is absolutely committed to personal spiritual growth.
So, if you are a WOG-a Woman of God, don’t settle for someone who is not a MOG-a man of God-and vice versa. Psalm 118:9 says, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.” Find refuge in your relationship with God, and not in some “Prince Charming” or some “Princess Bride.” If you’re going to get married marry the strongest Christian you can find and be the strongest Christian you can be every day of your marriage. You see, maturing believers say to their spouses, “You are not the most important person in my life-Christ is. But because He is I’m going to treat you even better than I could treat you, even if you were the most important person in my life. Christ will help me love you more than I could ever love you in my strength alone.”
- Brian Bill suggests the following acronym for the word “impact” to help you remember six questions to ask yourself about the person you are considering marrying: Is he or she committed to biblical Instruction?
- Is he or she involved in Ministry?
- Does he or she have a personal Prayer life?
- Is he or she in the habit of Adoring God for Who He is and all He does?
- Is he or she involved in a regular routine of Christ-like Caring?
- Does he or she care enough about lost people to be involved in Telling others about Jesus?
This morning I hope our singles, including our teens, feel encouraged to not to be casual about this vital life decision. I hope parents are even now pledging to help their kids make this choice right, I hope they are praying even now for their child’s future spouse and for their child as they make that decision.
Now, if you’re someone who feels they have made a bad choice, if when the draft came you picked the Sam Bowie guy or gal, don’t quit. Don’t give up on your marriage. Strive to become the right person. Work to becoming more and more like Jesus. Ask God to help you love your spouse in a truly Godly way. Ask Him to give you both a vision of how wonderful your marriage can be.
And as a church family let’s covenant together to pray for those in our church who are approaching this vitally important decision.
If you’re here and you’re not a Christian, then let me remind you, as I said earlier, marriage is not the most important decision you make. The most important is what you will do with Jesus. It’s not who you are yoked to but rather whether you will take the yoke of Jesus on yourself. So decide today to ask Jesus to be your Savior, and commit to follow Him as Lord.
You may be a couple or a family or an individual who feels that God is calling you to join this church and get active here as a husband and wife team in the ministry that goes on here.
Any commitment you wish to make public we invite you to do so now, as we stand and sing.